“You have a great knack for realistic and immersive dialogue, while Many portions of this manuscript have incredibly vivid descriptions. The details are palpable and add a filmic quality to your work, and the plot elements seem to be tied together very sensibly, and not too overtly.
You excel at making real life characters and settings. I love the imagery and thoroughly enjoy your writing style. I can picture everything with great clarity and it is visually very well imagined.
The Odell Smith introduction was very good. Mysterious, interesting and beautifully described. It was also a fantastic ending to the chapter.
Great ending I believe one of the key components to writing effective chapters is to create a small story in each one.
You do this effectively
The plot pacing and characterization are exceptional. polished and well-paced, an enjoyable read-propels me to read more.
Excerpts
“passing siren wailed on a nearby street in a dilapidated section of Hollywood and Pauline Sullivan tiptoed to the window with tiny beads of sweat glistening on her forehead. She reached for her curtains with trembling, ebony hands and pulled them apart, just enough to give one of her squinting eyes a view. Nothing. The old White woman was still throwing breadcrumbs to a squabbling flock of pigeons in the driveway of an apartment building across the street, and as far as she could tell, no one was spying on her through their curtains. Still, she kept looking”. < WW! Good setup for the chapter and the tone.
“I don’t know what your dreams are, but when I was handed my diploma, I dreamed of the day when every man, woman, and child could pull up a chair to America’s Table of Dreams and feast in harmony. I have dedicated my life to that dream, and every time I see a graduate, I am reminded of the covenant I made with humanity." < Very good. I like the ability the reader is given to really pick apart what he says and analyze the crowd reaction.
He coughed again knocking the photo album to the floor. After emitting another long stream of mucus, he took a deep breath.
“You can look at me when you cry, Marcus. Don’t hide your tears when you can bring them out in the open. I cry myself sometimes. I cry for my people’s ignorance. I cry hoping that one day they’ll understand the messages of Marcus Garvey, George Jackson, and that man over there on the wall. And if I could stand on a mountain and cry in the world’s face, I’d have no shame. So, look at me, brother, don’t turn your head. If I’m slated to die, then look me in the face, and give me the comfort of knowing that you haven’t evaded me.” < Fantastic monologue here. Donald comes across of shrewd and intelligent, whilst also being sincere.
“This is my camouflage, man. It’s got a gang of medicine in it to help my vision.”
“Man, take them goggles off. We ain’t going to the Philippines!” < Funny. The honour largely lands, and has, thus far always makes sense for the characters.
Water is too close for the goldfish to see, just as reality is too close for us to evaluate through normal means. It is only when you take the goldfish out of the bowl that it can tell you what you need to know about water. By the same token, we have to step out of our minds and belief systems to get at the truth. What many of us have labelled as realities, are illusions—including time.” < I can see this being a very convincing argument that could wrap people further into this.
The only thing we can get from the past are thoughts and memories, which exist in the present.”/ "...When we leave this room, it will still be now. When we wake up tomorrow morning, it will still be now. We will never be able to escape the time structure of now." < Interesting, and again, presented in a way that makes it seem appealing to everyone there.
Langley has been imbued with enough of a sense of threat that him asking to speak to Brett had me wondering what dire circumstances were going to unfold. Well done.